10 Questions Psychologists Urge Parents and Grandparents to Avoid
Parents and grandparents often want to connect with children by asking questions. While curiosity can open doors into a child’s world, some common questions, though well-intentioned, can cause confusion, anxiety, or even long-term harm.
“Even if we believe that the questions we ask children are well-intentioned, sometimes they can promote negative self-perceptions and create anxiety in children,” says Dr. Joe Vaccaro, Psy.D., executive director of Newport Healthcare in Southern California.
Avoiding certain questions can help children feel valued and understood without feeding a culture of comparison or criticism. If these questions sound familiar, it doesn’t make you a “bad” parent or grandparent, but it’s never too late to shift toward healthier conversations.
10 Questions Parents and Grandparents Should Not Ask Children
1. “Why are you so shy?”
Children who need more time to warm up socially don’t need to be labeled. This question can make them feel something is “wrong” with their personality. Instead, reassure them that it’s okay to take their time and join in when they’re ready.
2. “Why are you so sensitive?”
All feelings are valid, even if all behaviors are not. Dismissing a child as “too sensitive” teaches them to hide their emotions rather than manage them. It’s far more helpful to acknowledge their feelings and guide them through healthy coping.
3. “What’s wrong with you?”
This phrase doesn’t correct behavior; it attacks the child’s sense of self. Children need clear, specific feedback, not the suggestion that they are “bad.” Try pointing out the exact behavior you’d like them to change instead.
4. “Aren’t you too old for that?”
Whether it’s stuffed animals, cartoons, or hugs, children develop at their own pace. Suggesting they’re “too old” can cause embarrassment and pressure them to grow up faster than they’re ready. Celebrate what brings them joy in the moment.
5. “Why are you acting like that?”
Vague questions like this leave children confused about what they did wrong. They also assume a level of self-awareness that children may not yet have. A better option is to be specific: “We need to be quiet in the library.”
6. “Are you sure you want to do that?”
This simple question often plants seeds of doubt. Children may second-guess themselves and begin to feel insecure about making choices. Instead, offer support: “That sounds fun—what made you choose it?”
7. “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?”
Comparisons chip away at self-esteem and strain sibling relationships. Every child has their strengths. Focus on recognizing what makes each child unique, rather than measuring them against each other.
8. “Why aren’t you getting good grades in school?”
Grades matter, but this question makes children feel their worth is tied to performance. It can pile on stress instead of motivating them. A more supportive approach is: “I noticed your grade slipped—want to figure out how I can help?”
9. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
This popular question can accidentally shift all focus to the future, making children feel like their present selves aren’t interesting enough. Instead, ask: “What’s something you enjoy doing right now?” This helps them feel valued in the moment.
10. “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?”
Although usually asked playfully, this question can create shame or pressure. It suggests children should already be interested in romance, which isn’t always true. Let them lead the way in sharing about friendships and relationships when they’re ready.
