Fawning in Teens: What Parents Need to Know
Many parents celebrate having an agreeable, adaptable, and polite teenager. But therapists warn that this “easygoing” temperament can sometimes mask a stress response called fawning, when teens hide their true feelings, suppress their needs, and bend over backward to keep others happy.
What Fawning Really Means
Fawning is more than just people pleasing. As psychiatrist Hamilton Gaiani, MD, explains, it’s a survival strategy: “It means trying too hard to please others, avoiding conflict, and hiding your own needs or feelings.” What looks like maturity on the outside can actually stem from fear, anxiety, or past emotional pain.
Chelyan McComas, MS, LPC, NCC, adds that teens who fawn may start to lose trust in themselves: “They tend to need others to tell them how to feel and what to do.” Over time, this undermines their confidence and independence.
How to Spot It
Pediatric psychologist Sarah VerLee, PhD, notes that fawning shows up as:
- Apologizing constantly
- Seeking validation to feel accepted
- Struggling to say “no” or express opinions
- Suppressing emotions to avoid conflict
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Putting others’ needs before their own, even at a cost to themselves
It can look like good manners, but the motivation is different: teens aren’t being considerate, they’re protecting themselves from what feels like a threat.
Why Parents Should Pay Attention
Because fawning looks so much like “good behavior,” parents often praise it. But underneath, many teens are anxious, perfectionistic, and even exhausted from trying to please everyone. Some may eventually turn to alcohol or drugs as a way to relax, numb themselves, or feel more comfortable in social situations.
Dr. Gaiani warns: “If these habits continue without support, they can lead to mental health problems later in life. Some people may even turn to unhealthy ways of coping, like using drugs or alcohol.”
The Connection to Substance Use
For some teens, substances become an “off switch”, a way to shut down the constant stress of people pleasing. Warning signs include drinking before social events, hiding substance use, or using drugs and alcohol to fit in and seem likable.
What Parents Can Do
Therapist Emily Waitt, LMFT, emphasizes that pushing teens to “be different” can backfire, since they’ll simply fawn with you, too. Instead, parents should:
- Validate their feelings — show them their voice matters
- Model boundaries — let them see it’s safe to say no
- Encourage independence — give them safe chances to decide and speak up
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Seek professional help — therapy can help them build healthier coping skills and reconnect with their authentic selves
The Bottom Line
Not every easygoing teen is fawning. But if your child constantly sacrifices their own needs to keep others happy, it may be more than politeness; it may be a survival strategy. Spotting it early gives you the chance to help your teen develop self-trust, resilience, and healthier ways of coping.
