How To Discipline Your Kids While Supporting Their Self-Esteem
Source:https://www.parents.com/
As parents, fostering self-love and confidence in children is a key goal, but it can be challenging to balance this with effective discipline. Many parents may hesitate to address difficult behaviors for fear of harming their child’s self-esteem. However, it’s possible to discipline gently while still supporting their self-worth. The text offers guidance for disciplining children of all ages and empowering them to resolve their own issues, addressing common questions from parents on this topic.
Why Does My Child Get So Upset When I Point Out Their Misbehavior?
Children often think in black-and-white terms, feeling completely “bad” when they make mistakes, unlike adults who can rationalize their actions. While some children may be more sensitive to criticism, most struggle to distinguish between being criticized for their behavior and feeling like a “bad” person. It’s crucial for kids to learn from their mistakes and understand the impact of their actions on others. This sense of guilt contributes to their moral development, helping them recognize when they’ve erred and encouraging them to make amends. Healthy guilt differs from shame, as it fosters accountability without damaging self-worth.
How To Discipline Gently
Step 1: Offer an excuse for their behavior: Start by saying, “I know you didn’t mean to,” or “You probably didn’t realize,” or “I get that you were trying to.” This tells them that you know they’re a good kid—one with good intentions—even when they mess up.
Step 2: Tell them what they did wrong and how it affected others: Instead of labeling a child’s behavior as consistently negative, focus on the specific action: “When you took your brother’s toy, it upset him.” Avoid phrases like “You always treat him that way” or “You don’t care about others’ feelings,” as these can make the child feel bad rather than help them understand the impact of their actions.
Step 3: Move forward: Instead of letting kids dwell on their mistakes, guide them to think about how to make things right by asking questions like, “What can you do to help your brother feel better?” Suggest ways to make amends, such as apologizing or sharing. When they take positive actions, express genuine appreciation to reinforce their efforts.
How Can I Help My Kid to Come Up With Make-It-Better Solutions?
If there’s a situation that’s frequently difficult for your child, it’s helpful to have a conversation in which you describe the problem by presenting two sides of the problem and encouraging them to come up with possible solutions. Here’s why that can be helpful:
- As soon as you present the situation in terms of two perspectives, you can almost see your child’s brain growing before your eyes.
- Two perspectives allow them to expand beyond just “I want” to accommodate another point of view, too.
- Whenever you problem-solve with kids, their first suggestion is usually totally unreasonable (“My sister should just move out!”) so it’s your job to say, “That’s one option, but it wouldn’t take care of the other part of the problem. What else could we do?”
- It’s empowering for kids to know that they solved a problem.
Should I Be Worried If My Child Shows Signs of Low Self-Esteem?
Hearing kids make negative self-comments is painful for parents, prompting a desire to intervene and boost their self-esteem. However, research indicates that higher self-esteem doesn’t necessarily correlate with academic success, better relationships, or happiness, and excessive praise can actually be counterproductive.
Research shows that children who develop real skills in subjects like math and reading gain more confidence than those in self-esteem improvement programs. Instead of focusing on boosting self-esteem, parents should help kids build strong friendships and genuine competencies. Low self-esteem can lead to fear of new challenges or perfectionism, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of inadequacy. The goal is to help children move away from harsh self-criticism and connect with something greater, whether through friendships or meaningful learning experiences. Real self-esteem comes from letting go of the question, “Am I good enough?”
How Can I Motivate My Kid To Behave Well?
- Make sure they know that it’s possible to please you.
- Recognize their efforts and progress.
- Develop amnesia for their past behaviors. (Children change so rapidly that whatever your child did last month was practically done by an entirely different person, so there’s no reason to bring it up again.)
- You can also talk about how they are growing or becoming: “You and your brother did a good job of working out how to share the back seat. You are becoming better at negotiating and compromising.”
- Another example might be: “You helped show the new kid at school how to use the computer. You are becoming the kind of person who can see a need and step in to help.”
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