When Love Breaks Down: Navigating Custody, Co-Parenting, and Protecting the Best Interest of the Child
In a deeply insightful discussion between Mrs. Lola Vivour-Adeniyi, Executive Secretary of the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency, and Taiwo Akinlami, a renowned child rights advocate, the challenges of custody, co-parenting, and domestic violence were explored with compassion and clarity.
The conversation shed light on how fractured relationships often impact children and what it truly means to act in a child’s best interest.
The Root of Relationship Breakdown
Mrs. Vivour-Adeniyi identified key causes of separation: poor communication, emotional disconnection, unresolved trauma, unhealthy social conditioning, and economic stress.
Often, people enter relationships with unhealed wounds and misunderstood love languages, creating a foundation that’s difficult to sustain.
Domestic Violence: Beyond Physical Abuse
Both speakers highlighted that domestic violence is not limited to physical harm. Emotional, psychological, verbal, and economic abuse are just as destructive, and often go unrecognized.
In custody cases, abusers may continue to exert control by manipulating access to the child, perpetuating cycles of trauma.
Co-Parenting and Control Dynamics
Taiwo Akinlami emphasized that the phrase “best interest of the child” is frequently used but rarely practiced.
Custody disputes often become battlegrounds for unresolved power struggles, with children used as leverage. True co-parenting requires a mature, therapeutic approach that centers the child, not revenge.
In high-conflict situations, structured communication methods, like texts and emails, are encouraged to reduce emotional escalation and ensure accountability.
Agency Support and Co-Parenting Standards
The Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency facilitates psychosocial interventions to support separated parents. While success is possible, Mrs. Vivour-Adeniyi noted that meaningful co-parenting only works when both parties commit to healing and prioritizing the child.
A baseline standard for co-parenting includes:
- Consistent Access: The non-custodial parent must maintain emotional presence through visits, calls, or outings.
- Financial Responsibility: Emotional involvement must be matched with financial support for the child’s welfare.
- Respecting Boundaries: Children must never be used as messengers, spies, or tools of manipulation. Doing so causes psychological harm.
Children See Through Pretense
Children, according to Akinlami, are not easily deceived. They know who genuinely loves them and who is present out of obligation or control. Over time, children gravitate toward consistent care and emotional safety, not performance.
In one case, a father questioned his children about their mother’s private life during a visit. Despite denial, the agency intervened, reinforcing that such behavior traumatizes children and erodes trust.
Root Causes and Emotional Realities
Mrs. Vivour-Adeniyi stressed that many co-parenting challenges are rooted in unresolved trauma. Simply telling people to “move on” ignores the psychological depth of the issue. Healing requires therapy, support groups, anger management, and emotional accountability.
Sometimes, parents, particularly women, struggle to co-parent due to lingering pain. However, holding on to that pain often harms the child more than it helps the adult.
Preventing Abuse of Access
Even when access is granted, it must not be used as a channel for emotional or physical abuse. Rather than immediately revoking access, mediated sessions or Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) methods can help establish safe, child-focused agreements.
Schools as Neutral Ground
A real case was cited where a father, without prior notice, stormed a school with armed personnel to forcibly take his children.
The incident highlighted the need for parents to properly document custody and access changes, either legally or through formal letters acknowledged by both the school and the other parent. Schools must prioritize the child’s safety and avoid being drawn into parental conflicts.
Prevention is Better Than Cure
Both speakers underscored the importance of prevention. Signs of emotional immaturity, poor conflict resolution, and control issues are often evident before marriage. Ignoring these red flags can lead to lifelong consequences.
“Love may be blind, but marriage will open your eyes,” Mrs. Vivour-Adeniyi warned. Observing how a partner handles conflict, boundaries, and pressure is critical before making lifelong commitments.
Conclusion
Custody and co-parenting go far beyond legal frameworks; they are about safeguarding a child’s emotional well-being and stability. As Mrs. Vivour-Adeniyi and Taiwo Akinlami emphasized, professional help through therapy and counseling is essential when trauma or unresolved conflict threatens a child’s peace.
The phrase “best interest of the child” must guide daily actions, not just court decisions. Children are not weapons or trophies; they deserve love, safety, and consistency. Effective co-parenting requires emotional maturity, accountability, and intentional healing, because in the end, children remember how they were made to feel, not what was said in court.
