I remember the day our son was brought home from the hospital, four days after he was born. That night, he would not sleep. I tried everything I knew. He cried through the night, as though he was in pain. My wife did her best. My mother-in-law did her best. Nothing worked. Then I burst into tears.
My wife looked at me and said, “What are you doing? Are you crying?”
I said, “Yes. Why is he not sleeping?”
If friends are born for adversity, then fatherhood is revealed in adversity. A father’s heart shows in two moments: when a child is thriving, and when a child is struggling.
Every father is proud when a child is doing well. But the truest test of a father’s love is when that child is going through rough patches, illness, academic setbacks, disability, painful seasons, or even when the child has gone “left, left, left” and everyone else has given up. In those moments, you see it: a father rises, choosing love, keeping his heart intact.
There is a Yoruba proverb that captures this reality: “Ọmọ ẹni ò kì í burú ká gbé fún ẹkùn pa jẹ,” no matter how badly your child is said to be, you cannot hand him or her over to be eaten by a lion. That is the father’s heart. That is the father’s love.
I am reminded of Derek Redmond at the 1992 Barcelona Olympics. He tore his hamstring in the 400m semi-final and fell behind, headed for a finish that would not be celebrated. Then his father breached protocol, ran onto the track, and lifted him, step by step, until they completed the race together. Officially, it was a disqualification. But in the heart of a father, it was a trophy: I will not watch you suffer alone. I will not be ashamed to identify with you when you are last. I will carry you until you can stand again. That is fatherhood, love beyond comfort; sacrifice beyond convenience; strength that shows up when results cannot.
And let me be clear: I am not talking about indulgence. I am not talking about spoiling.
And let me be clear: I am not talking about indulgence. I am not talking about spoiling. Yet there are times when love looks like leaning in, because a father’s love, a father’s heart, is powerful.
This past week, my son has not been doing well health-wise, cold, cough, catarrh. I look at him and something keeps rising in me: Let whatever is on my son be on me. Let me carry it for him. How can I take this away? Because what looks “small” to an adult is not small to a child. For him, it is discomfort. It is a lot.
We have gotten medical support. We fight for him to eat. We insist on his medication, because children and medication are not the best of friends, especially when they begin to feel relief. And still, healing must take its course.
He has not been to daycare for over a week. Today he is with me, and that has disrupted many things I planned to do. But I cherish it. I relish the fellowship. I can look after him. And the comfort I can provide him today is more important than anything else on my table. My priority is simple: How do we get him help? How do we keep him comfortable? How do we get him strong again? He is getting better, and I am grateful.
This is what I have learned again: a father’s heart and love are revealed most clearly when a child is facing adversity, whatever that adversity may be, even when it is adversity the children brought upon themselves.
What has your experience been? How has your father’s heart, your father’s love, been tested in recent times? Let’s have a conversation.
Iron, they say, sharpens iron. This is fathers’ talk, and I encourage you to join in as we sharpen one another in this sacred, demanding, yet exceptionally rewarding call to fatherhood.
Do have an inspired week ahead with your families.
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