The Difference Between Respect and Indulgence: Lessons From a Four-Year-Old

It was a Saturday afternoon. Tieri, my four-year-old son, was building towers with his colorful blocks in the living room.

“Daddy, come help me,” he said, pointing to the wobbly structure that leaned to one side. I joined him on the floor, and together we rebuilt it, block by block, layer by layer. Each time it tilted, he would say, “No, Daddy, that’s not how I want it.” I paused, tempted to correct him, but I stopped myself.

I realized that in this moment, the lesson wasn’t about blocks. It was about boundaries, patience, and respect.

As parents, we often confuse control with care. We think guiding means deciding, and that respect for a child’s perspective equals indulgence. But there’s a world of difference between the two.

When I listen to my son explain why he wants the red block on top, I’m not indulging him, I’m respecting his personhood. I’m helping him think, reason, and take responsibility for his own little choices. These small moments are the early training grounds of leadership.

The Philosophy of Personhood

Every child, like every adult, is first and foremost a person, not property, not possession.
And every person has four defining attributes:

1️⃣ Worth: value that is not earned but intrinsic.
2️⃣ Reason: the ability to think, weigh, and form judgment.
3️⃣ Choice: the freedom to decide based on understanding.
4️⃣ Leadership: the natural outcome of responsible choices.

When we respect a child’s dignity, we affirm these four traits. We teach them that they are beings of worth, capable of reason, able to choose, and born to lead.

Unfortunately, many cultures mistake this kind of parenting for indulgence. When a parent listens, explains, and seeks understanding, people often say, “You are spoiling that child.” But listening is not spoiling. Listening is training. It helps the child understand cause, consequence, and compassion.

What Indulgence Truly Is

To indulge our precious children is not to respect them, it is to betray them.
Indulgence allows our precious children to act contrary to their best self. It excuses behavior that disconnects them from their own personhood.

True indulgence is when we stop training because it is inconvenient. It is when we say “yes” to avoid conflict rather than to affirm growth.

On the other hand, abuse is its opposite extreme.
If indulgence allows our precious children to act below their design, abuse crushes that design entirely. One compromises personhood; the other violates it.

In both, the dignity of the child is lost.
That is why the foundation of effective parenting must be this:
Discipline anchored in dignity.

Discipline and Dignity Are Not Enemies

Discipline without dignity breeds fear.
Dignity without discipline breeds chaos.
Parenting that balances both breeds character.

When we discipline with respect, we teach the child that rules exist not to humiliate but to guide. We show that authority can coexist with kindness. That firmness and love are not opposites; they are partners.

When I tell my son “no,” I want him to know it’s not a rejection but a redirection. When I tell him “you can,” I want him to understand it’s not license but responsibility.

The Culture We Must Build

Too often, we raise children to obey commands rather than understand convictions.
We train for compliance, not conscience.
Yet conscience—not compliance—is the true foundation of a just society.

A child who learns respect through fear will obey only when watched.
A child who learns respect through dignity will act rightly, even when alone.

This is why listening, reasoning, and explaining are not signs of weakness in parenting. They are signs of wisdom.

We must move beyond the old dichotomy of spoil or spank.
The real goal is neither indulgence nor aggression, but formation, the careful shaping of a human soul.

A Father’s Creed

As a 50-plus dad raising a four-year-old, I am daily reminded that parenting is sacred work. Every interaction is a seed.
When I respect my child’s reasoning, I am watering his leadership.
When I guide his choices, I am training his judgment.
When I protect his dignity, I am affirming his worth.

Children who are respected grow into adults who respect others.
Children who are listened to grow into citizens who listen.
Children who are treated as persons grow into people who change the world.

So, the next time you see a parent kneel to listen to their child, don’t call it indulgence.
It may be the finest act of discipline you’ll ever witness.

Parenting that honors both discipline and dignity doesn’t just raise good children.
It raises good humans.