What Should Religious Institutions Do When a Spouse Beats Their Partner?

For nearly three decades, I’ve stood at the intersection of law, spirituality, and social advocacy, working closely with families navigating the painful realities of domestic violence. I’ve written academic papers, empowered communities, and walked alongside individuals who were once hopeful lovers but are now broken by abuse.

Today, I raise a heartfelt and urgent question to religious institutions across all faiths: What should we do when a spouse beats their partner, physically, emotionally, psychologically, or financially, within the walls of our congregations?

Too often, our response comes too late, when the bruises are visible, when children are traumatized, or when someone is gasping for safety. But what if our faith communities could become centers of prevention, healing, and justice? Not just spaces of prayer, but sanctuaries of protection.

In this article, I present a 3-fold model that every place of worship must consider: Preventive, Curative, and Responsive. Each arm addresses a vital phase of engagement.

1. Preventive: Stop It Before It Starts

Faith communities must move beyond the surface rituals and checklist-style counseling. We must ask:

• Are we helping couples address childhood trauma and emotional baggage?
• Are we assessing personality compatibility and maturity before blessing unions?
• Do we understand how family histories shape our people’s approach to conflict and power?

Marriage counseling should no longer be limited to HIV or genotype testing. If we can test for blood types, surely we can assess emotional safety, anger response patterns, and belief systems around gender roles.

We must include tools like:

• Trauma-informed assessments
• Psychological readiness evaluations
• Biblical or Qur’anic teaching that uplifts partnership and mutual respect

Let our faith not only prepare people to wed but equip them to live and thrive in marriage.

2. Curative: Heal the Broken

When violence has already occurred, our places of worship must be more than places of prayer. They must offer comprehensive, compassionate, and coordinated support:

• Legal aid for protection and redress
• Professional counseling rooted in faith and evidence-based practice
• Access to emergency shelters
• Medical and mental health referrals
• Rehabilitation for abusers (where safe and possible)

We must abandon judgment and embrace justice. The Church, the Mosque, the Temple, must stop viewing domestic violence as a “private matter.” It is a public health and human rights issue.

And let me say this clearly: The covenant of life is greater than the covenant of marriage. If your life is in danger, preserving your marriage should not be the priority.

3. Responsive: Structure Our Reaction, Not Just Our Sermons

Silence is not spirituality. Denial is not discipleship.

Our congregations are not exempt. Abusers sit on our pews. Victims cry through our prayer lines. We cannot heal what we will not confront.

Religious institutions must:

• Create departments dedicated to family safety
• Train clergy and lay leaders in trauma-informed care
• Establish confidential reporting systems
• Partner with civil society and legal systems

And perhaps most importantly: We must not preach retribution.

Let me be clear:

• “Slap him back” is not therapy.
• “Fire for fire” is not spiritual warfare.
• “Stay and pray” is not always divine wisdom.

It is childish to suggest that a woman should retaliate physically, or a man should meet violence with more violence. These ideas only deepen wounds. Religious leaders must model mature conflict resolution, not mirror dysfunction.

Final Word: Love Requires Action

To the pastors who tell victims to endure, To the imams who silence women for the sake of reputation, To the elders who prioritize image over life:

You are not protecting faith. You are enabling abuse.

Marriage challenges are not the same as marital violence. One calls for endurance. The other demands intervention.

Let our faith communities rise. Not just in prayer, but in policy, in preparation, and in protection.

Because faith must never become a fortress for abuse. It must be a refuge for the abused.

Let’s Continue the Conversation:

• Religious leaders: What systems are in place in your institution for victims of abuse?
• Survivors: What support did you need, but never receive, from your place of worship?