When ‘No’ is Kindness: Teaching Children Life’s Balance Between Needs and Want

Last week, I shared how much Tieri enjoys our weekly store visits. While we see it as a routine shopping trip, he sees it as a sightseeing adventure, and most importantly, a chance to play.

One recurring lesson we’re learning through these trips is how to balance a child’s needs, wants, and indulgences. Before we go shopping, we make a plan , we know what the household needs, what we need, and yes, what Tieri needs. There are certain items we always get for him. However, the moment we step into the store, he starts with his cheerful and persistent requests:

“I want this! I want that!”

Even though we’ve already accounted for his essentials, he still feels the need to look out for himself, and that instinct is very human. We all, even as adults, carry this natural tendency to ensure we’re not forgotten or left out.

That’s why this season of parenting is about teaching him a vital life skill: the difference between needs and wants.

Needs are critical, food, warmth, safety.
Wants are nice-to-haves, indulgences, cravings, or the fun stuff.

Sometimes in life, even our basic needs aren’t met. Other times, all our needs are covered, but not all our wants. As Paul beautifully puts it in Philippians 4:12 (KJV):

“I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.”

That’s the mindset we’re trying to instill.

When Tieri asks for things and we say no, he sometimes cries. But we’re guiding him to understand that tears don’t equal entitlement. He’s learning: “You don’t get things just because you cry for them.” And he’s growing in that understanding, calming down, rephrasing his requests, and even accepting the outcomes gracefully.

Yesterday, after our store visit, we had a short but insightful conversation:

Me: How many things did you ask for today?
Tieri: I asked for doughnuts, pizza, sandwich, and chips.
Me: That’s a lot.
Tieri: That is a lot of something.
Me: A lot of somethings?
Tieri: Yes.
Me: Did you get everything you asked for?
Tieri: Nooo, but you gave me more cookies.
Me: And did you like that?
Tieri: Yes. That was being kind.
Me: Giving you some cookies is being kind?
Tieri: Yes.

It might sound like a simple exchange, but here’s what stood out: though he didn’t get any of the things he asked for, he still felt seen, heard, and loved. He still called it kindness.

That’s the deeper parenting lesson  how children feel matters more than what they get. They may not always get what they want, but if they consistently experience love, fairness, and kindness, they won’t interpret discipline as rejection.

So, this week’s reflection is simple but powerful:
We must raise children who understand that life is not driven by indulgence, that needs are not always met, and that kindness can still be found in the smallest acts, like a few extra cookies.

Do have an INSPIRED week ahead with the family.