When To Worry About Toddler Aggression

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It’s common for toddlers to exhibit aggressive behaviors like hitting, shoving, or biting during play. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), such emotional outbursts are normal as toddlers are learning self-control and emotional regulation. These aggressive acts often stem from their desire for independence, frustration, and the testing of social skills.

Causes of Toddler Aggression

Toddler aggression often arises from their developing skills in social cues, language, impulse control, and emotional regulation. Frustration or feeling overwhelmed can lead to poor behavior, as toddlers may struggle to express their feelings appropriately. Aggression may also result from anger over territorial disputes, like a stolen toy. Additionally, toddlers might experiment with aggressive behavior to see the reactions it provokes or mimic older siblings. While such aggression is a normal phase of development, it’s important for parents to teach social skills and emotional self-regulation to help children grow out of this behavior.

How To Deal With Aggressive Toddler Behavior

When toddlers act out, a calm and consistent response from parents can help them learn to manage frustrations better, according to child development specialist Karen DeBord. It’s important to distinguish between discipline and punishment; discipline focuses on teaching appropriate behavior through positive reinforcement and clear expectations, while punishment is a negative consequence used sparingly. Effective discipline requires patience, as learning to behave is a process that takes time.

Here are 10 effective ways to handle typical aggressive behaviors in kids:

Respond immediately: Research indicates that parents or caregivers should address aggressive behavior immediately, as children may forget their actions if not addressed right away. It’s essential to ensure the child understands both the rule and the reasoning behind it, such as explaining, “We never hit people. Hitting hurts.”

Don’t use threats: Relying on threats to control a child’s behavior won’t teach them why their behavior is inappropriate. Research has shown that fear-based parenting styles, such as threatening a child with a consequence like taking away a toy or going to time out, can lead to future mental health problems, including anxiety, depression, and alcohol misuse

Don’t rely on time-outs: While time-outs can be an effective way to help a toddler cool down after aggressive behavior, the American Academy of Pediatrics advises against overusing them, as this can diminish their effectiveness. Time-outs should be considered a last resort.

Don’t let your child get their way: A toddler’s aggressive behavior should never result in the outcome they want, such as gaining possession of an attractive toy. Otherwise, they’ll learn that acting badly gets them what they want.

Comfort the victim: If a toddler’s aggression targets another child, it’s important to comfort the injured child first. This approach ensures that hurting others does not become a means for the aggressive child to gain attention.

But still recognize the aggressor’s feelings: Recognizing a toddler’s feelings can help them calm down after an aggressive incident. Validating their emotions—without condoning the aggressive behavior—can support their learning of self-regulation. For example, you might say, “I know it doesn’t feel good when someone takes your toy.”

Brainstorm alternative solutions: As children develop their verbal and reasoning skills, parents can help them find better ways to manage negative feelings. For instance, after an incident of hitting, you might ask, “How do you think hitting made Caroline feel?” and “Can you think of a better way to get the teddy bear?” Involving toddlers in problem-solving increases the likelihood that they’ll follow through with appropriate actions.

Acknowledge good behavior: Remember to praise your child for “good” social behaviors, says Dr. DeBord. After an amicable get-together, you might say, “You played so nicely with Kelly today. It really makes me happy when you share your toys so easily and willingly.”

Monitor their actions with peers: If your child is going through a phase of aggressive behavior, watch them closely when they’re interacting with peers. Try to intervene just as the misbehavior is about to take place. Say no sternly, and remove your child from the situation to help them cool down if needed.

Don’t be aggressive in response: Avoid punishing your child’s aggressive behavior with more aggression, such as spanking or hitting. Research shows that corporal punishment teaches children that it’s acceptable to hit those smaller than them, which contradicts the lessons you intend to impart about non-violence.

When to Worry About Toddler Aggression

Aggressive behavior in toddlers is often a normal expression of frustration and will typically diminish as they develop better ways to express their emotions. However, if aggression persists into preschool, it may be wise to consult a mental health professional for guidance.

When To Call Your Doctor

Parenting can be challenging, especially with toddlers who often express themselves through aggression. While most children outgrow this behavior as they develop self-regulation skills, some may require additional support. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests consulting a pediatrician if a child displays prolonged aggression, attacks caregivers, injures themselves or others, is sent home from school due to aggressive behavior, or fixates on violent themes.

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