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Childhood experiences, including trauma, miscommunication, or unhealthy family dynamics, can have enduring effects, leading some individuals to cut ties with their parents. According to Carly Harris, such early experiences can create feelings of disconnection, frustration, and resentment, prompting a person to sever the relationship if efforts to improve it fail. As children grow and develop their own perspectives, they may clash with their parents more intensely, especially if there are pre-existing tensions. Dr. Nobile notes that these conflicts often escalate in adulthood, as young adults confront and address longstanding issues, sometimes leading them to distance themselves from their parents.
Signs of Toxic Parents
Words like “toxic” (and narcissistic and gaslighting) get thrown around a lot on social media as reasons people end ties with family members. Sometimes these words are misunderstood or misused. However, that doesn’t mean toxic parents don’t exist.
- Manipulation: Using guilt or manipulation to control behavior.
- Constant criticism: Regularly belittling or criticizing a child.
- Lack of empathy: Failing to acknowledge or validate feelings.
- Controlling behavior: Attempting to seize excessive control over a child’s decisions.
- Emotional unavailability: Emotional distance or unresponsive parenting.
- Gaslighting: Denying or distorting a child’s reality to make them question their experiences or feelings.
- Favoritism: Consistently preferring one child over another.
- Boundary violations: Repeatedly disregarding privacy or personal limits.
What To Do About Toxic Parenting
Validate your feelings: The text emphasizes that even if parents don’t validate their child’s feelings, those feelings are still valid and important. Holly Schiff, PsyD, advises acknowledging these emotions, which can range from guilt and sadness to anger, especially when dealing with a toxic parent. According to Harris, processing and working through these emotions is crucial for healing. This healing often involves learning to validate one’s own experiences and feelings, particularly when external validation is lacking.
Find support: Estrangement can feel isolating, but support is available. Dr. Schiff recommends seeking help from friends, family, or support groups, and considering therapy to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies. Additionally, focusing on healthy coping skills and self-care can be beneficial during this time.
Practice self-care: During times of estrangement, it’s important not to neglect self-care despite the focus on the relationship with your parent. Harris emphasizes that engaging in activities that support mental and emotional health, like physical exercise, can aid in moving forward and prioritizing your well-being. The key is to focus on what you can control.
Set boundaries and communicate them assertively: If a complete break from a parent isn’t desired, setting boundaries can be effective. Dr. Frank suggests that boundaries can protect and clarify expectations, such as asking a parent to respect life choices and stepping away if they don’t. Dr. Schiff recommends using “I” statements to express needs, which can reduce defensiveness. Limiting contact, like reducing calls from daily to weekly, can also help manage exposure to toxic behavior while maintaining mental health.
Know when to cut ties: Deciding to cut ties with a parent or set boundaries is a highly personal choice that involves considering various factors, according to Harris. While there’s no universal answer, it can be a valid solution. Chang notes that in some cases, an “emotional cut-off” might be recommended for the sake of mental health, which can also involve physical separation.
Break the cycle
Like genes, parenting style can become inherited. However, Dr. Nobile says that, unlike genetic high cholesterol or eye color, it’s possible to break cycles of toxic parenting. Here’s what you can do with your own kids:
- Focus on positive reinforcement. That can include praising desired behavior instead of concentrating on undesired behavior. “Building self-esteem in your child by praising desirable behavior and creating a more positive and affirming environment is important,” Dr. Nobile says.
- Cultivate emotional regulation skills in yourself. Try mindfulness and stress-relief techniques, which allow you to control your responses to your child.
- Learn healthy parenting. “Books, workshops, and parenting groups can teach you how to parent effectively,” Dr. Nobile says. ”Learning about parenting will equip you with tools to replace unhealthy and older parenting approaches with better ones that will be more effective for you and your child.”
Read More: https://childreninfobank.com/safebank/heres-why-kids-become-estranged-from-their-parents/
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