6 Reasons Why Yelling at Kids Doesn’t Actually Work

Source: https://www.parents.com/

Yelling is often a parent’s go-to response when they feel angry, but it can have negative effects on children. Dr. Joseph Shrand, a Harvard Medical School psychiatrist, explains that anger is a natural emotion when we want our children to change certain behaviors. However, yelling may not be an effective way to address these issues. Recognizing that yelling is counterproductive can lead to better parenting strategies. Parents struggling with frequent yelling should consider emotional regulation and consult a doctor if they feel overwhelmed, as conditions like postpartum anxiety can contribute to increased irritability and difficulty managing emotions.

1. Kids Can’t Learn in “Fight-or-Flight Mode”: Yelling is an ineffective way to change a child’s behavior, according to Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist. When a child is yelled at, their fight-or-flight response is triggered, which shuts down the brain’s learning centers. This makes it difficult for the child to absorb lessons or respond constructively. In contrast, calm and peaceful communication helps children feel safe and more open to learning.

2. Yelling Can Make Children Feel Devalued: Yelling can make children feel devalued and inadequate, which damages their sense of self-worth. Dr. Shrand explains that when people are yelled at, they often question their value and capabilities. Dr. Markham adds that yelling turns the parent into an aggressor, seeing their child as the enemy rather than someone they love and value. Children should never feel like the enemy in their own home.

3. Yelling Can Fuel Anxiety, Depression, and Lower Self Esteem: Studies show that children who are frequently yelled at are more likely to experience anxiety and depression. Dr. Markham explains that children absorb anxiety from their parents, and how parents react to their child’s mistakes whether soothing or anxiety-inducing can significantly affect the child’s emotional state. Yelling is a negative response that worsens anxiety. Dr. Neil Bernstein adds that negativity, like yelling, fuels anxiety and depression, creating a lasting emotional impact.

4. Yelling Can Interfere with Bonding: Yelling damages the connection between parents and children, according to Dr. Markham. It puts the relationship “in the red,” making it difficult to empathize with one another. Yelling creates an adversarial dynamic, causing children to feel defensive, disconnected, and less open to change. Dr. Bernstein, after 40 years as a psychologist, states that no child has ever reported feeling closer to a parent after being yelled at.

5. Long-Term Yelling Can Have Negative Impacts on Children: Studies have shown that yelling can have serious negative effects on children, including poor academic performance, behavioral issues, and even delinquent behaviors. It can be as damaging as physical punishment, with frequent verbal abuse potentially altering brain development. However, a single instance of yelling won’t cause permanent harm; the key concern is long-term patterns. It’s important for parents to understand the emotional triggers behind their own outbursts and work on managing them to reduce the impact of such incidents.

6. Yelling is Not Effective Communication: When parents yell, they may unintentionally teach their children to do the same in response to frustration. This happens because yelling activates children’s “mirror neurons,” causing them to mirror the behavior. As Dr. Shrand explains, “anger begets anger,” so yelling often prompts children to yell back. However, the opposite can also be true: when children experience respectful communication, they are more likely to respond calmly and respectfully as well.

What to Do with Your Anger Instead of Yelling

To manage emotions, especially anger, the first step is to seek professional help, such as from a primary care provider or mental health expert. Underlying health issues like vitamin deficiencies, thyroid problems, hormone imbalances, or postpartum mental health challenges can influence emotions. Therapy can also help identify emotional triggers, particularly for those raised in environments with frequent yelling or abuse.

The next step in handling anger is to acknowledge it immediately. Verbalizing your anger helps activate the brain’s prefrontal cortex, shifting from emotional to rational thinking, which can interrupt the anger spiral. Techniques to manage anger include deep breathing, counting backward, running in place, shaking out your hands, and even smiling or laughing to signal to the brain that the situation isn’t an emergency.

Once you’ve calmed down, approach the situation calmly, using phrases like “Let’s try a do-over” to de-escalate. Not yelling requires practice and consistency, but building a strong connection with your child outside of stressful moments makes it easier. Dr. Shrand emphasizes that appreciating your child’s qualities rather than focusing on their shortcomings makes parenting more rewarding.

Read More: https://childreninfobank.com/safebank/6-reasons-why-yelling-at-kids-doesnt-actually-work/

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